Literal Warriors: The Musical
by Sir Wilda Skye
Summary: Ever wondered what warrior cats would look, sound and act like if their names literally described their appearances? Well, this is the best we could give you. The musical, whimsical, dramatic, erratic, romantic, filled-with-antics production of... Literal Warriors! *Rated T for later adult themes*
1. Author's Note

_Hey toms and she-cats! My name is Sir Wilda Skye, recently coming back from a long hiatus. Happy Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Equinox, Yule, Christmas, and 2014! I'm sorry I missed all of those holidays! Anyway, if you follow me, you would have known that I made a fanfiction about a year ago called "Literal Warriors". Basically, it was an alternate universe where cats' names corresponded to what they ACTUALLY looked like, not just symbolism. E.G Firestar (still keeping the name Fireheart for some reason?) had heartburn, Cloudtail's tail was made of clouds, Barley was made of barley, etc. Well, as I came back to it, I found that it was some messed up stuff. Characters that were generations apart were together, the storyline was messed up, and it overall made me cringe and made me want to punch my younger self. Instead of just doing that, I'm going to do it again. And it is going to be very, very different from the original. Better characters, a better plotline, characters that are supposed to exist together, and now... a PARODY SOUNDTRACK!_

_So, if you would do me the honor, I would like you to join this crazed bandwagon that is... "Literal Warriors: Redux Edition"._

_Yours oh so shamefully,_

_SWS_


	2. The Beginning of the Story

The air was tense tonight. Hissing and yowls rang through the camp. Claws were sharpened, fur was bristled, the heat of battle was all around. Firestar glared at his opponent, his burning fur flowing in the calm winter breeze. Cloudtail glared back, his wispy tail waving back and forth. Both toms had determined looks frozen on their faces and were as low to the ground as they could get.

"Not today, Fluffball." Firestar growled, narrowing his eyes at the white tom.

"Not today, Hotshot." Cloudtail growled right back, an air of hostility in his voice.

Shots were fired. Now all the other onlookers had to do was wait...

"GRAH!" With a mighty battle cry, Cloudtail flung himself towards the object of his desire, a smirk spread across his face as it was captured in his eyesight. But that was when he realized, he overshot. He had inadvertently flung himself over not only it, but Firestar as well. He slid on the ground for a couple of feet, mud staining his brilliant white fur, before smashing his muzzle against a tall oak tree. He turned around just quickly enough to see Firestar snatch the prize that should have been his in his sturdy jaws and walk away triumphantly: the biggest damn robin in the pile...

All the other cats crowded around the pile of prey now; for being leaf-bare, the pile was unusually large. Sure, they still split the pieces of prey between partners, but there was more than enough to go around if they did. For the most part, everyone was happy with their meal. Except Cloudtail, who was so close to getting the robin...

Oh, and eensy-teensy thing that I forgot to mention. You want to know how Cloudtail overshot? It's not that he had the wrong stance, or his heart was too determined. His tail was too high; and I don't mean that it was angled too high. His tail was a cloud; why else do you think they called him that? He forgot to account for his tail flying him up and over the pile of prey, since it naturally wanted to go up.

That was how everyone lived around here. They all had some quirk. Firestar's fur was composed of wispy, glowing flames. His mate, Sandstorm was a cat made of sand who had a blowing veil of sand surrounding her physique and was packed together with water. Firestar's apprentice, Bramblepaw, had prickly bramble bushes that made up his paws. The list goes on and on and on...

Firestar sat in his den, quietly eating away at his meal. The robin tasted savory and gamey, but it was sweetened with victory. He tried not to dwell on this fact though; he wanted to keep at least some humility.

Sandstorm, his lovely mate, timidly stepped to the doorway of Firestar's den.

"May I come in?" she asked.

This was at the moment Firestar had stuffed his face full of food. He merely nodded and motioned her in, using one paw to keep his mouth closed. With a small smile, Sandstorm came in, a mouse in her jaws. She sat down with a plop next to him. Firestar swallowed the food in his mouth, and his emerald eyes turned to look into Sandstorm's.

"Hi, honey." he mewed.

"Hi, Firestar." she said back, with a soft smile. "How has life been?"

"Oh, it's been just great! It's less trouble being leader than I thought. I prepared so much and -"

"FIRESTAR!" Bramblepaw came bursting into the den, his amber eyes wide and breathing erratic. "PROBLEM! OUTSIDE! NOW! PLEASE!"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down! What is the problem?' Firestar asked.

"Just come outside!" Bramblepaw yowled. Firestar and Sandstorm rushed out of the cave as quickly as possible, skidding to a stop when they came upon the danger that Bramblepaw warned of.

Scourge's reign was slowly approaching. As he stood before the clan, Firestar knew that they were in for a fight.


	3. A Team, a Bag of Herbs and a Mission

_Before we resume the story, to a guest named Sandtail, that is a good idea. I will try to put that in in chapter 3 or 4._

_And to the owner of a neon yellow Prius, your car is being towed._

_Anyway, back to the story!_

* * *

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my dear half-brother, Rusty." Scourge scowled, his ice-blue eyes fixed on the larger tom.

Firestar cringed at being called his kittypet name. "Firestar." he corrected, anger prevalent in his voice.

"Well, soon you'll be nothing!" Suddenly something landed hard on his muzzle, causing him to fall to the ground. That was when he noticed Scourge's white paw. The paw wasn't a normal cat paw, but it was a whip. Otherwise known... as a scourge. He tried to get back up, but Scourge's shrill voice shrieked above him.

"Stay down, kittypet!" An ebony paw landed forcefully on the tom's head, then pulled away quickly.

"OW! CRAP!" Scourge shook his paw to try to put the fire on his paw. It simply spread. By the time Scourge figured out how to stop drop and roll, he had become a sphinx. All of ThunderClan roared with laughter as all of Scourge's small frame blushed deeply with embarrassment. With a soft growl, Scourge decided he would get his revenge. He took out a vial that someone threw away and kicked Sandstorm to dust as if she were nothing but a sandcastle made by a Twoleg kit. Scourge shoved the she-cat into the vial and corked it as the cats howled around him.

"Let's go!" Scourge called to his other clan members as he took Sandstorm away in the vial. Sandstorms muffled cries vibrated the bottle to no avail as Scourge and the rest of BloodClan retreated.

After a couple more seconds, Firestar and the rest of the clan stopped laughing.

"H-hey! Where's Sandstorm?!" Cinderpelt asked frantically. Firestar was able to barely hear Scourge's crackling cackling and see a white tipped tail disappear behind the trees.

"Scourge!" he yelled as he tried to run after him. Graystripe and Darkstripes (who were just heads with gray and dark fur-covered stripes respectively) held him back.

"Firestar, we need to wait!" Graystripe yelled.

"We can find him later. You're bleeding from your muzzle." Darkstripe mewed.

Firestar digressed. "Fine. We will go to BloodClan tomorrow to get Sandstorm back."

And so, all of the cats of ThunderClan went to their dens, to slumber away until the sun rose again for a new day.

* * *

Graystripe's eyes fluttered open as the sun shone through to the warriors' den. His eyes then shot open as he realized that Firestar was standing before him, hopping up and down. Behind him stood Bramblepaw, Cinderpelt (whose pelt was made of cinders), and Frostfur (who's fur shone in beautiful ice crystals).

"Come on, Graystripe! Let's go! Daylight's burning!" Firestar exclaimed, jumping up and down. "Cinderpelt's got the traveling herbs and everything!" Before Graystripe could blink, he was slung around Frostfur's neck like a scarf.

"Hey, baby~" Graystripe mewed.

"Not a chance." Frostfire said flatly.

"I tried." Graystripe replied with a sigh.

And so, they ventured out of the warrior's den with a team, a bag of herbs, and a mission.


	4. Map Thornpaw and the Gathering Fiasco

The gang padded through the thick green forest, sights set on Sandstorm and the BloodClan camp.

"So, what's our path?" Cinderpelt asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Well, we need to go up and cross the Thunderpath into the ShadowClan camp, say hi to Tigerstar, go west for a long time, cross the trees and the other part of the Thunderpath, cross the Thunderpath AGAIN into WindClan camp, jump the river into RiverClan, jump the river again into Sunningrocks, run to Treecut Place, run through a couple of Twoleg nests and POOF! We're at BloodClan!" Firestar explained.

"Couldn't we just go through the Tallpines?" Frostfur mewed, raising an eyebrow.

"That's no fun!" Graystripe chirped.

"Yeah! We need some plot development up in here!" Firestar added.

"Firestar, I highly detest this! We could be caught or run over by a monster or drown or - " Cinderpelt stuttered.

"I completely trust in my decision. Now let's go!"

No matter how much the group didn't want to go, they knew they had to stay with him. "Fine!" they hissed.

And so, the group started heading north toward the Thunderpath.

* * *

Meanwhile, back home, Whitestorm had been in charge of ThunderClan ever since Firestar and the group left. And only now did he remember that there was a Gathering tonight. Whitestorm paced around his den, worried.

"It'll be fine! I'll stay at camp and protect it if you want." Mousefur (whose fur was made of mice) kept telling him. Her fur-mice squeaked encouraging squeaks to try to calm him down. Whitestorm stopped pacing and took a deep breath.

"You're right. I can do this. " Whitestorm told himself. "You and Lostface (who, by the way, had lost her entire face and is now blind, can't taste anything, and can't smell) can stay here and protect the camp."

"Are you sure you want _Lostface _protecting the camp? She can't even see for StarClan's sake!" Thornpaw (whos paws were made of thorns) asked with a scoff, sitting next to Mousefur.

"Thornpaw, it's fine. She still has claws and I can kick her into things." Mousefur mewed softly.

"Ugh, fine." Thornpaw hissed, rolling his eyes. "Where's Mom, anyway?" he asked.

"She went on a mission with Firestar, Graystripe, Bramblepaw and Cinderpelt." Whitestorm replied.

"A mission? For what?" Thornpaw asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Were you even paying attention when Scourge came?" Mousefur asked, shooting a glance down at Thornpaw.

"Yeah, how does that relate to the mission?!" Thornclaw asked, genuinely confused. Whitestorm facepawed.

"Ay clan de la estrella mio..." Whitestorm muttered. Thornclaw was again confused as that was not a common expression among ThunderClan or any other cats he knew for that matter. He decided to shrug it off.

"So can I go to the Gathering?" Thornpaw asked.

"No." Whitestorm answered simply.

"Why not?!" Thornpaw asked.

"Remember the last time Firestar let you go to a Gathering?" Whitestorm growled. Dream sequence music played in the background.

* * *

"Unhand me, Thornpaw!" Graystripe yowled, grasped between two ends of a slingshot looking stick. Rested on his gray body was a rock. Thornpaw was slowly pulling him back, a mischievous smirk on his face.

"Naw, dude, this is gonna be so funny!" Thornpaw mewed.

"Stop!" Graystripe said one last time. He was too late. The rock went rocketing off of his body.

Meanwhile, Bluestar (who was neon blue), Tigerstar (who was actually a tiger), Tallstar (who was about as tall as an oak tree) and Crookedstar (whose body zig-zagged back and forth) were all standing on their respective stones.

"I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy!" Bluestar yowled as she glared at her fellow leaders.

"I'm not crazy! I'm not - OOF!" The hard, gray rock hit her right between the eyes, causing her to fall back and roll down the rock.

"ACK! OH! AGH! OOF!" she hissed as she rolled down. All of the cats roared with laughter as she tumbled on down, especially Tigerstar. The other leaders jeered at her as she finally reached the ground.

"She may not be crazy, but she sure is clumsy!" Crookedstar laughed.

"She should be called Bumblestar!" Tigerstar sneered. Tallstar didn't say anything, but laughed to himself.

Bluestar, however, was embarrassed as a cat could ever be. But more so, she was burning with rage. "WHO DID THIS?!" she howled. All cats at the Gathering went silent. The azure she-cat meant business. And they all knew the instigator of the crime would be punished severely by the furious feline. Her fur stood on end and her angry blue eyes zoomed around the forest, trying to seek out the culprit.

"Well?! Speak up, mousedung!" Her blue fur seemed to be more intense now as she slowly lost her patience.

"Please don't sell me out, please don't sell me out..." Thornpaw muttered.

"It was Thornpaw! He used me as a slingshot and shot that rock at your head!" Graystripe yelled.

Everybody's vision turned to Thornpaw. Including Bluestar's.

"THORNPAW! You are hereby exiled from ThunderClan! Come back when you've written a 5 page essay on oak bark on why you did this and why you won't do it again!" Bluestar hissed. Thornpaw shrunk back. He was in trouble.

"Y-yes Bluestar." Thornpaw muttered.

"And it better be good!" Bluestar shrieked.

"Y-yes Bluestar!" Thornpaw mewed, a little bit louder but also a bit more fearfully.

"Now go!" Bluestar shouted.

"Yes, Bluestar!" Thornpaw promptly scattered away, tail between his legs.

* * *

"Oh yeah..." Thornpaw mumbled, reminiscing of the time along with Mousefur and Whitestorm.

"Didn't you have to write, like, five essays before you could come back?" Mousefur asked.

"Six." Thornpaw corrected.

"Oh yeah..." Mousefur muttered.

"Anyway, there is no way that you're going to the Gathering tonight, Thornpaw!" Whitestorm said.

"Aw come on! Please?" Thornpaw asked.

"No way!" Whitestorm hissed.

"Please?!" Thornpaw begged.

"NO!" Whitestorm growled.

"No offense, but the only time you went to a Gathering you were acting like a kit!" Mousefur added.

Thornpaw cleared his throat. Mousefur and Whitestorm were worried now.

**TRACK 1: ThunderClan Kit (Parody of Hollaback Girls by Gwen Stefani)**

**Thornpaw:** "Uh-huh, this my shh, all the -paws stomp your paws like this!

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

I heard that you had a gathering, and you didn't think that I would hear it!

Cats are hearing you talking 'bout that, getting every 'pprentice fired up

So I've got a plan, gonna lead the clan

Gonna get to the Trees, Don't care what you say

That's right, so shut your mouth, getting every 'pprentice fired up

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

That's right, Whitestorm, meet me at the Trees

No fights, no blood, we're all at peace

4 clans, meeting at Fourtrees

But they all pray to just one

So I'm gonna go, gonna give it my all

Gonna make you proud, gonna prove it to ya

**Mousefur: **Fat chance!

**Whitestorm: **There's no way you're going! Ask me when hedgehogs can fly!

**Thornpaw: **

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Mousefur, just say it, Whitestorm's foxdung, F-O-X-D-U-N-G

Whitestorm is just foxdung! F-O-X-D-U-N-G!

Say it, Whitestorm is just foxdung, F-O-X-D-U-N-G

Whitestorm is just foxdung! F-O-X-D-U-N-G!

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED LIKE THAT

SO YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AGAIN LIKE THAT

CAUSE I AIN'T NO THUNDERCLAN KIT I AINT NO THUNDERCLAN KIT

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come

Oooh, let me come, let me come!

* * *

Whitestorm and Mousefur gazed at Thornpaw in awe.

"Wow..." they gasped.

"So now can I go?" Thornpaw asked hopefully.

"Ugh, fine! But one more slingshot incident and you will never go to another Gathering as long as you live, you hear me?!" Whitestorm growled.

But Thornpaw did not hear Whitestorm. In fact, he got lost at "but" because he was too busy cheering. He was finally going to get to go to a Gathering for the first time in forever!


End file.
